


Cut me deep

by RoseStilinskiHale



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Character Death, Dark Character, Derek is a Failwolf, F/M, Kitsune Stiles Stilinski, M/M, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Oblivious Derek, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-30
Updated: 2015-05-24
Packaged: 2018-03-20 11:17:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3648324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoseStilinskiHale/pseuds/RoseStilinskiHale
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stiles feel like Derek sometimes was sorry. He said there were no excuse he was doing what an Alpha should do, but he what was doing was, he was acting on instincts, because that's the way his mother must have done too. Stiles can't feel great about what Derek did, but Stiles really feels different, like he can forgive him... and he'll love him no matter what! </p><p>Maybe this is call serenity.... </p><p>At last he is at peace...</p><p> </p><p>OR </p><p>When Erica goes into heat, Derek helps her which makes Stiles' life miserable.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Release

**Author's Note:**

> It is inspired by many fanfics about Erica going into heat, Derek helping her and Stiles is the one suffering.
> 
> I was thinking about a while to write something but I was confused about the ending. 
> 
> So this is me trying to write and see how far my imagination can go. 
> 
> I hope you will like this. It's going to be dark, self harm and all that shit so please if anything triggers you avoid reading it. 
> 
> I can't really say how long or what will happen what will be the endgame and how they will deal with the heat cycles, I've lots of idea and I will write my heart out.
> 
> Tags are incomplete I will add more when needed.
> 
> And please help me with idea, sometimes when writers gets mind blocked I think it readers comments and idea helps them so share your ideas with me. 
> 
> I really want to give this storyline a perfect ending, I don't want to leaving it incomplete. It has a lot of potential so please help.

Stiles cries every day. Most of the time he cries without tears. He cries inside. He cries inside because others can't see his tears. 

Stiles doesn't remember when it all started, he doesn't remember why it at all started. He is sure there are other options but for some unbeknown reason nobody took the initiative to even look for it. But he knows how it all started and how much all this is affecting him.

It all started with a low cry of yearning, then some howl of longing followed by banging of Derek's apartment door. The Alpha's eyes flashed red as he sniffed the air and next moment everything was blur. 

For the next two days breathy cries and pleasurable moans and soft tantalising growls echoed through the walls of the loft. Stiles was terrified he didn't know what to do. He didn't understand what was Derek doing with Eric, but whatever it was, Stiles didn't like the sounds and noises that the Alpha and his Beta were making.

Stiles didn't want to get some vague presumption to get to him. He didn't want the noises to get to him. Maybe his mind of running wild maybe the cries of the Beta was making him think things he didn't want to think about, maybe Derek's grunts and groans was for something else. Maybe something had happened to Erica and Derek was just helping her and it was a hard work. 

Stiles wanted to know exactly what was happening inside the room. He could hear the rattling of bed against the wall. A sound he was very familiar with. He had heard them in the thrones of pleasure. He had heard them, when Derek pushing into him, thrusts hard making the bed squeak and the headboard hitting the wall made those noises.

But he wasn't sure. He couldn't let those thought... That Derek and Erica were... No no no no.. those were stupid thoughts, he shouldn't let them get to him. He knew Derek would never do such a thing. Derek loved Stiles more than anything. Stiles new that although Derek had never said that aloud but he has felt them, felt them in each Derek's kisses, felt them when his hands caressed Stiles' body, felt them when he had the Alpha inside him... He had always felt them. 

Stiles hadn't realized that the thoughts had already have crawled up like some creepy tendrils and grasped him until he felt his cheeks wet and his eyes were burning. His whole body was trembling, his chest burned for lack of air. Stiles couldn't breath, he was having a panic attack, he wheezed and gasped Derek's name, hoping that the Alpha would come to him like always. But he was so fucking wrong, except for Derek's concerned voice all he could hear the noises as they became louder. The soft thudding on the wall became louder and faster. And then he head the howl, he was so fucking familiar with and it splintered his heart. He thought he might cry out in pain because he could feel it, he wasn't sure whether it was physical or emotional. He lay still on the floor, both hands clutching his chest, as he panted and gasped, bleary eyes on the ajar door, waiting for the Alpha. Nothing moved except his eyelashes as he blinked and stared.

Even dumbest of the dumb person could tell what had transpired in the other room that night. But Stiles still had hope...he had hope in Derek and his promises, he had hope in their relationship. So he waited in the room, _their_ room. Waited for Derek to come and tell him that his thoughts were crazy, that he was crazy, that Derek would never do such a cruel thing to him. He would've lied if he had said he wasn't anxious and scared to know the truth but at the same time he also wanted to know... just for his sanity and for their relationship.

Stiles waited all night, waited till the light of the dawn broke through the darkness of the night and somewhere in between he fell asleep.

 

And now for some reason, the pain pleases him, perhaps because it a reassurance that he is alive. He sees the sharp edge of the razor sink in pale skin and as he drags it little red droplets oozes out with a strong linear burn. The burn is strangely comforting. He drags the blade farther down his wrist, a small pink line appears, and the flesh bunches up as blood trickles down his wrist.

The noise is again there tonight. The moans and grunts of pleasure seeping through the tiny pores of the walls and crawl up Stiles' spine. Derek is again with Erica in that room as he fucks her through her heat. And like always Stiles is in _their_ waiting for Derek. 

It's been been a year that this is going on. A year of torture that Stiles has to suffer silently. It's like a slow poison that he has to drink for being in love with an Alpha. He knows he is on the razor sharp edge of having a breakdown and he is ready for it.

Stiles looks down at cut, blood is trailing down his arm falling on the light blue sink like large droplets, one drop at a time. The ache in his arm flares, but his self-satisfaction overrides it... 

The pressure he felt in his heart and the tension he felt when Erica again barged through the door and took his love away from him is releasing slowly. The pain is making him numb.

It has become a routine for him, he feels excitement - a churning feeling in the pit of his stomach a sort of anticipation. The moment he saw Erica stood by the door, all sweaty and breathless clutching her stomach as tears strained her face it stirred this feeling up in him. He knew what to do then. He knew what he needed. He quickly made his way up to _their_ bedroom, opened the drawer of the cabinet below the sink and took out his hidden bottle of liqueur, a glass and the box. 

Stiles glances up at the mirror, his eyes are unfocused, red and glassy. A smirk twitches up his drunken lips and his he grabs the glass with shaky hand.  
"To life and love." He murmurs looking down at the amber liquid as he swirls the glass before he brings the rim to his lips, he tips his head back drowning it in one gulp. A feels the warmth of the alcohol as it run down his throat.

This night was supposed to be Derek's and Stiles'. It was their anniversary, a stupid day that he wanted to celebrate with the love of his life. He had everything settled and planned out as he waiting for Derek to return from the police station. But his fate had betrayed him again and he somehow forgot that today was one of those days he dreaded. But he misread it when he saw Derek encircling the date on the calendar. He thought his boyfriend remembered the date and what was the other reason that the date could be so special. 

It stings yes. It stings very much. Stiles quickly replaces the glass with the razor. Stiles doesn't want to rush but the anticipation is nerve crackling.

He stares at the razor almost in fascination as he holds it firmly between his thumb and forefinger. How could such a small thing bring such a huge relief to him. Release him of his pain only just by cutting through him. He really is fucked up but what else can he do. Stop cutting him. Never. Then how will he ease the other pain he felt daily. Physical pain is barely, emotional pain... No. The cut on his arm will heal but the wound that Derek inflicts on his heart will never heal. 

Derek isn't going to stop fucking Erica and then knotting her through her heat. He has made that clear to Stiles. They had talked about it, argued, screamed at each other. Derek has even told him to leave. Derek is being a good Alpha, this pack is his life and he would do anything for it even if it meant that he broken Stiles' heart. 

It was two days before Erica's heat and as always Derek was jittery. Stiles could feel Derek cautioned eyes on him. He wanted to talk, clean the air between them before the heat. If Stiles would have been a wolf he would've clawed Derek's eyes out. Stiles didn't want to talk, because no amount of talk was enough to pacify him, all he wanted was this madness to stop at once. He hated the heat cycles and hated Erica even more. He knew it wasn't her fault, it was her body that was playing this filthy games with Stiles but he couldn't stop himself. He was too helpless. 

Derek stood by door of their bedroom arms crossed a frown marring his face. "You have to stop this." Stiles said "You can't let this happen. You can't go and fuck Erica."

Derek sighed a sigh of exasperation and shook his head. "I can't you know that. Erica needs help and I'm the only one who can help her."

"You're fucking us up Derek." Stiles argued. "This whole thing is fucking us up. Can't you see that. Are you that blind." 

Derek stared at him for some moment his expression completely guarded. His eyes went cold and distant; Stiles didn't know what he was thinking but he prayed that he would understand him and stop this.

"I can't" Derek finally said. His voice strange, detached, expressionless, leaving naught but the naked words he uttered to express what he wished "If you want you can leave but I won't stop helping her. She needs me."

 _What about me? I need you too._ Stiles opened his mouth and closed; words were caught in his throat. The poison heaved itself up his intestines to his throat, burning his oesophagus as it caught there. Stiles felt helpless. Derek gave him a look, which meant the talk was over or Stiles would've to leave. The finality in the air was so thick, he felt a pressure, a tension on his chest. His heart was drumming so loud, he wondered if Derek couldn't hear it or if he chose to ignore it. Stiles couldn't leave though, how could he leave. He loved Derek so much and... This heat cycle came between them. Erica came between them. Stiles wondered how did Boyd cope with it. How did he react time Erica had to come to Derek. How did he felt when he just sat hopelessly and wait for his girlfriend to come hone after being fucked by Derek. 

It hurt, it really did but maybe the Beta was more animal than human to consider the burning ache of jealousy.

Derek was waiting for Stiles' response so he had nodded, slowly, trying to wrap his mind around the situation. His mind was a hurricane of darkness, with a tiny sliver of light at the edges that he suspected it was his new friend hiding under the sink in the safety of a box. It was itching him to cut but he needed to hold himself back, he couldn't cut then, otherwise Derek would kick him out of the pack anyway. He let the anticipation grew till the heat night. And when there were again those unpleasant noises echoing through the walls, Stiles found himself bleeding again.

Stiles smiles sardonically, eyes transfixed on his hand. The blood is seeping out of his cut. Bright red. His blood. It means something. His blood and he has control, nothing else matters because nobody will come between him or his blood. He chose to cut himself, to chose his release. 

He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. The feels the sharp edge poking on his skin and he drags it down, a little deeper this time. A swell of pain teeters on the pinnacle of erupting, rushing across the nerve pathway. Stiles' whole body shivers as if he's been electrocuted. He bites his lips to stifle his cry. He can feel blood rushing out profusely now. The cut is deep, too deep if he's honest. 

Tears well up in my eyes, searing his throat with a hard lump that wouldn't go away. The razor drops from his hand and his legs give up. He staggers and falls to his hands and knees. His mouth falls open in a silent scream. Why is he doing this? what will he fetch? Will Derek ever realize what he has done to him? Will he even care if he finds Stiles like this?  
_No he won't._ a voice whispers in his ears. Stiles flinches and looks to his right. White title walls rush to his vision. 

_If he cared, he wouldn't have been in that room now_. The voice whispers again. Stiles snaps his head to his left and sees no one. 

_He doesn't care what you feel, he doesn't give a shit about you. All he cares is about his pack and the she-wolf._

"No, no it's not true. He loves me."Stiles says weakly, looking around the closed bathroom walls. His heart's racing and the breathy whispers rings in his ears again. 

A mocking laugh vibrates through him, _Poor Stiles, weak, fragile human. You're not even his pack. Why would he care? He's a born wolf and an Alpha of his kind. You can't sate his needs. The she-wolf can._

Tears of repugnance floods his eyes and flows down his cheek. A sob forces out of throat. "He loves me." Stiles hisses through his grit teeth.

The whispery voice tuts. _He doesn't. It's all instincts and when he knots her you've heard him howl, right Stiles._ the voice laughs again. _Has he ever knotted you, Stiles_

No, the answer is sadly no. Derek has never knotted him. Because he is a human. Derek thinks he can't take the knot and it will tear him up. Stiles knows how much important it's to knot, it signifies claiming and breeding. He has over head Erica saying that, how wicked of her to talk about this, how embarrassing it was for Stiles to hear and realize he isn't a good enough lay for his boyfriend. Maybe that is why Derek have heat sex with Erica, just an act that he is the Alpha and he has to help his Beta; to hide his intentions so that he doesn't hurt Stiles and is not called a cheater. But he hurt him nonetheless. Stiles whimpers shakings his head. "He loves me." He repeats again. He can hear the denial in his voice. He knows the voice is right, whatever the voice said is all right.

_Oh, Stiles look what he has turned you into. A pathetic little puppy. Look at your hand what has he done to you._

Stiles complies immediately looking down at his hand and there's blood, too much blood, his blood. He can feel the dull throbbing in his wrist, and a dull unfulfilled ache inside his chest. Stiles knows why he does this, even if it sounds pathetic, he does it. He cuts himself so Derek would see. That the other man could feel his pain, that he would stop helping Erica seeing how much misery it is causing Stiles. Yes he is pathetic very pathetic.

 _Lets end this Stiles. End the pain. Nobody will know. Only you and me._ the voice taunts. 

Stiles sniffles and licks his lips. The idea is tempting, if he dies there will be no more pain. He would free Derek, free him for helping his Beta. "How... How do I do that... End the pain."He mumble still staring at the open wound and feeling dizzy as if all his strength is drained out of him.

 _Drown yourself_ The voice whispers darkly.

There are moments in life when you know you are in exactly the right place at the right time. 

This morning when Stiles woke up beside Derek laying on his stomach, the Alpha's arm and leg draped around him. He knew that he had one of those moments. Then he didn't understand why but now he does. Because that was the last moment he would ever get the feeling of having the Alpha with him, lips slightly parted, no frown line, the peaceful look on his face made Derek look so young.

Stiles swallow the hard lump and wipes the tears away with his good hand. Making his to the tub, he stares at it. A shiver skates up his spine. _This is it Stiles, the end of your pain. In you get._ The whisper coaxes him.

Stiles doesn't know what is right or wrong at this moment, for him all his senses are focused on his pain. His drunken mind is swirling like a whirlpool. The darkness and the poison is again crawling up his spine. His sudden implicit trust in the whispering voice scares him - but he is tempted to taste the final release. Oh so fucking tempted.

With uncertainties and a wild pounding heart he climbs into the overflowing tub and lies back in the cold water. Closing his eyes he lets his body lose and slowly slips down.

Stiles will be free after this. A year of pain and jealousy will go. He will be free. He won't have to cut himself anymore. He won't feel useless and ever so helpless. He will free Derek. Free his father, free Scott. Stiles has always been an unwanted mass occupying too much, wanting too much. But after this everything will stop.

There are tears on his cheeks; as he slides farther down into the tub. He knows he is ever enough for Derek. He can't other man what he wants. With Stiles the wild beast in the Alpha is always trapped, Derek has never been rough with him during sex, Stiles knows he is always holding back, but from what he has made out of those noises from the other room, Stiles is sure Erica is capable of giving Derek that. She is capable of giving Derek more, a family, a child, a new beginning. So Stiles shouldn't hold back the Alpha any farther than he has already. Because if he lives, Derek won't leave him. And Stiles is aware that Derek doesn't use protection during heat sex and the contraceptives that Erica uses have two percent of chance of failure. So eventually when Erica will get pregnant, which will happen Stiles is sure about it, that time it will become harder for Stiles. So this moment is the best. Stiles won't be alive to see Derek dotting over Erica when she'll be pregnant. He knows it will happen because its all about wolf instincts.

His back hits the solid surface of the tub, water laps his body, coving his ears and mouth and finally his nose. _This is how my life finally ends._ Stiles thinks to himself.

There is no sound, no Air no noise now. All he can hear is a low rumble ringing in his ears. He holds his breath and stays still. But his body choose to ignore as his heart is now pounding in his ear that his head will burst - there is a pressure behind his eyes, a drumming in his ears, and a sensation as if he is drowning.

He faintly hears the jiggling of the bathroom knob and choose to ignore. There are other bathroom in the apartment. He can't afford to be disturbed now. This is his body, he has control over it. 

But his body betrays him again by inhaling some water. Stiles eyes snaps open, spluttering and coughing he inhales more. Water in his lungs blocks gas exchange. There is a feeling of tearing and a burning sensation in the chest as water goes down into the airway. He braces himself not to get out, panic rises in him but he stays still as he struggles for air. He feels as if elephants are dance on his chest and wolfs are clawing.... But he stays still. Time passes away as the pain starts to subside. Then that sort of slips into a feeling of drowzy, calmness and tranquility. He feels a sense of darkness closing in from all side. _This is how my life finally ends_

_Yes, it is._

The jiggling turns into pounding, he thinks he can hear his name is called; the sound is soft and muffled through the water. He doesn't want the person to get in and save him. He is in pain but he is being released. 

The calmness doesn't stay long as pain radiate to the jaw, throat, back, belly and arms. Stiles tries to hurl himself up but he can't, he feels something is holding him back. The burning increase in his chest. A cry of pain and fear is pulled out of throat. Mistake, shouldn't have open his open, water gushes in. He can't breath, he can't feel he can't hear, his visions blurs. Then his body goes lax, his eyes are so heavy he has to close to them and it feels a dark curtain is pulled over the halo. 

He can feel the chill of death creeping through him, taking him over limb by limb, organ by organ, shutting down cells, whole of his body, bit by precious bit like some bright light engulfing him and then a last twitch of his small toe, numbing coldness washes over him.

Stiles feel like Derek sometimes was sorry. He said there were no excuse he was doing what an Alpha should do, but he what was doing was, he was acting on instincts, because that's the way his mother must have done too. Stiles can't feel great about what Derek did, but Stiles really feels different, like he can forgive him... and he'll love him no matter what! 

Maybe this is call serenity.... 

At last he is at peace...

"Stiles!Stiles!"

[](http://s1151.photobucket.com/user/RituYajash/media/C__Data_Users_DefApps_AppData_INTERNETEXPLORER_Temp_Saved%20Images_tumblr_n1gwcuvYzU1r1wq02o1_500.jpg.html)


	2. Wake up Stiles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there. I am extremely sorry that it took me longer than expected to write this chapter. But I hope that it would be worth the effort and you will like it. 
> 
> Now for those who thought that Stiles was kitsune before he attempted suicide. I'm sorry for the confusion. I think I haven't explained it well. Stiles was possessed by Nogitsune but was saved and its canonically. But there hasn't been any Alpha pack only darch and Derek's still an Alpha.

**Beep...  
Beep...  
Beep...  
Beep...  
Beep...  
Beep...**

 

A sound that seems to be coming from somewhere is the first thing he registers. He can also sense a bright light shining on the outside of his eyelids. He tries to force open his eyes. Try has he might but they won't open. It confuses him. He had felt himself dying, he had felt the cold numbness. He had felt the the last beat of his heart before he died. This doesn't makes sense. 

He doesn't feel any pain in his wrist, but he remembers the last cut was deep enough to empty out all his blood. He was drowning few seconds ago. He had even heard someone calling his name.

He struggles to make his eyelids response to his mind but his body won't obey. Does this mean he is dead? Is he in heaven?

"He is coming out." He hears a muffled voice. Where is he? Is this how people talk in heaven. 

Then he feels the squeezing of his hand. _Who's that?_ Stiles tries harder to open his eyes, this has to be it. If there are people around him he has to be in heaven. He is dead. 

"He's lucky to be alive." He overhears someone say. What? Alive. He's alive. No no no no no... He can't be alive. This isn't supposed to happen. He is dead.  
 _Nooooooo! No, No, Noooooo!_  
I couldn't even end my life right  
Could anyone be more pathetic?

"He has served tendons and damaged nerves. It's a miracle. That he could make it." The man explains or the doctor.

_What an effen miracle this is. Shit._

"I'm the lucky one." He hears his dad say. _Dad. Oh God! Dad's here._

For Stiles it is all so wrong. There is not luck in here. Only more misery. Only he has to see **Him** again, sit in their bedroom and hear **Him** fucking **His** beta bitch. _Wait, is Derek here?_ If he isn't here then life couldn't play any crueller game than this.

Then he hears some shuffling of shoes followed by a soft click of door knob. He waits patiently. He can feel his dad's presence, can smell him. What smell him? He tries to puff his nose a little. Yes he can smell him. The familiar scent of the aftershave, mixed with slight hint of gunpowder, salty smell of sweat with a very unfamiliar smell of something rancid and tangy. He can smell him.

He feels a light press of lips on his forehead and fingers carding through his hair nails scraping on his scalp. Something in him preens and his heart swells. _Daddy!_ he tries to move his lips and call out but to no avail.

He hears his dad sigh heavily and sniffle. Is he crying? He asks himself. In his mind's eye he can see his dad's face etched in worry for him. But this isn't something he wanted, he wanted to go, leave this life and the misery behind and run away. But he surely didn't think what will his pathetic attempted suicide will do to this father. The only one who cares for him for real. What will his botched suicide attempt do to Scott. Shame succumbs his soul and he feels tears welling behind his stubbornly closed eyelids. And behinds everyone's misery is his fault. _If only I could leave Derek._

"Take rest son! I'll be back soon." He hears his dad murmur. 

_No dad don't go please don't go. It's so dark in here and I'm so lonely Don't go please!_ He wants to scream his protest and stop his dad from leaving his sorry ass but all he can do it lie still and feel the warmth of his father's body leaving him and then again the soft click of knob.

After that he doesn't know how long he has been in this limbo, inside his mind, outside his body, feeling everything but feeling nothing and damned by the darkness... Whatever state he is in, he continues to fight his way to awakens. He fights to open his eyes, to move his limbs but all he can hear is the constant beeping sound ringing in his ears as he waits for something to happen. 

Something went wrong, he is sure. He was on his deathbed, chocking his life out of body, the cut, the pain, the burning sensation. The dizziness, the bright light he remembers everything but why isn't he dead. Maybe he should have cut deeper or waited to drain out all of his blood. He had felt the rush, the thrill he gets everytime he cuts himself. But this time he wanted to end his life and he had done it all, but then what happened.

Fighting with his mind and body, Stiles comes in and out of the limbo, still stuck somewhere between life and death. This time when he is half aware of his surrounding still fighting this way out, he almost misses the creak of the door and click of the knob. His sudden heightened awareness is still overwhelming him. Maybe because he is still lost somewhere in his subconscious mind and its his body's way to act against threat.

He feels a sudden perk in himself, a sudden jolt of alertness, when a soothing scent of forest and freshwater wafts his senses, making his nose almost twitch. If he's been a dog he would have tilted his head back to sniff the air and what shocks him is that he has an immense urge to do so only if he could've been able to move but he can't and he is stuck somewhere. He feels his skin prickle and pleasant tingles wash over him.

He hears the rubber stoppers on the stool legs squeak as if someone has sat on it. _What rubber stopper how did I know that?_

He feels a hand take hold of his own and squeeze it gently. Then a soft press of lips on his knuckles and warm breath tickling on the back of his palm briefly. Stiles appreciates the presence and touch as though he was starving for such tenderness and it makes something inside him preen...again.

Then he feels someone breathy voice near his ear and flush of warmth serenading his skin. "I know you can hear me. I know you're in there some where and you're being stubborn but you need to get up. You need to wake up, Stiles. It's been too long, too long that your wounds are healed but if you don't they will declare you dead and I know you're not." The voice croaks into quite whisper. "I need you to walk up. For us. For your dad. F...for me. Wake up please."

Something inside him jostles, his fight with the unconsciousness becomes more and it all happens on it own. He was fighting but the urge to win is more, to prove and to please the person is more...and again it's overwhelming. Then he hears a soft snuffling and a low rumbling growl which makes his hackles raise and he wants to roll on the ground showing his belly. "Wake up now." The words are like hot waves of commands shooting through him, he is thrashing inside his head, struggling and if possible crying and screaming for his body to follow the order, to please the Alpha, to make him see he is the obedient one and the best one. Suddenly he feeling his whole body freezing and drowning again, he struggles more and his fight becomes more urgent. If he had been awake Stiles is sure he would have his hands thrashing around and flailing, fighting the restrains and he wouldn't give up till he follows the order. A voice inside his head is shouting and _growling_. Pulling him towards something, something bright and its so bright that its blinding.

Stiles body jerks, he can hear the beeping of the machine becoming hysterical. This heart beating wildly in his chest. The door of the room burst opens and there are hurried shuffling of footsteps and urgent murmuring. The growling and the voice in his head gets louder, so much loud that he wants to clutch his ears and scream at them to stop. Pleaded to stop.

Stiles eyes snaps opens and he winces closing them immediately, getting attracted by bright white light. His eyelids flickers as he squints to gain focus and feels fingers stoking through his hair. 

"Thank god you're wake, dude" Stiles tenses and the fingers running through his hair stops feeling him going tense. He hears feels the presence before his muddled brain registers the owner of the voice. It's Scott. "Can you hear me, buddy?" 

Stiles closes his eyes and rolls them behind the eyelids. What will happen to him?. Scott always has the habit of being overprotective. But Stiles doesn't mind... He likes it. No he loves it. It's Scott and he is Stiles' bro and a little puppy dog who happens to be a werewolf with supernatural awesome. And he senses things like the way Stiles is feeling right now. Little confused, little sore but overall he is fine. Was there any supernatural attack or was he captured by someone hunter and got beaten up again. Never mind he will know eventually but right now he needs to placate his friend and...his nose twitches smelling something acidic... As if distress.

"I'm fine, dude." Stiles rasps and coughs a little feeling his dry throat. He opens his eyes and drifts them towards his friend and finds him looking at Stiles with concern "I'm fine." His nose scrunches up. "Haven't you showed dude. You smell like shit."

As if the words held some magical powers and Scott's worried face breaks up into a big grin. One moment he is sitting and in next he has Stiles bundled in a hug almost chocking him of his breath. "God. God. I was so scared. So fucking scared. But it's alright now. Your alright now."

Okay the hug is good. Stiles loves hugging. He is a cuddler. He loves to cuddle with Derek... Speaking of which where is he? Where is his boyfriend?

"I'm fine dude but if you don't stop. I might die from lack of air."Stiles says patting on Scott backs.

"Oh!" Scott jerks and pulls back from Stiles, looking sheepish and apologetic. "You okay now?"

Stiles nods and leans back against the headboard. "Where is Derek?"

There is a myriad of emotions fleets across Scott's face and its so fast Stiles can't make it but then it settle down to blank look. 

"Derek isn't here." His voice is tight as he sits back on edge of the bed. "He won't come don't worry. I won't let him."

Won't let him? Stiles eyebrows shoot up touching his hairline. He is pretty much sure he didn't hear something else or the hunters must have beaten him up so bad that he is hearing things. Which is not cool. But they will get to it. But right now Stiles doesn't like what he is hearing and the prospect that his best friend his not will to let him meet his boyfriend is not setting well with Stiles. " Scott, buddy. I get that you love me and all fierce and protective Alpha right now but Derek?" He rubs his eyes with his knuckles "He can be an asshole but still. He is my boyfriend and dude I will totally let you kick his wolfie ass when we break up but right now I'm bit confused and need to see him."

And again myriad of emotions crosses Scott's face and then he just looks confused and little angry. "You don't need to see him. This all." Scott hands moves up and down waving at Stiles. "Whatever has happened with you." Scott shakes his vehemently and his face becomes more fierce and determined that Stiles feeling himself shrink back into the pillow. "I won't let you be stupid and I won't let him get to you ever again."

Stiles frowns, confused by Scott behaviour. He know his friend is always concerned and whatever happens between him and Derek is about them and Scott suddenly interference is disconcerting. "What are you talking about?" His voice rises and sits up. "Listen I know you don't like Derek much but you can't always blame him and..." Stiles pauses narrowing his eyes and mildly gnaws his lips. He can't really tell Scott about Derek and Erica and their... His eyes widens as realization crushes on him and drunken half distorted half clear memories floods his mind. Stiles eyes quickly drops to his writ and he drags his thumbs over his smooth skin. Shit. He is alive and he was not taken by any hunters but he attempted to kill himself. And Scott is in front of him being all protective, that means he knows about his pathetic failed attempted suicide. He knows how pathetically weak Stiles is. 

Stiles swallow hard and he slowly looks up at Scott. There is no more any tightness in his friends face, it is soft and sympathetic which crushes Stiles even more. He doesn't need pity from people. He doesn't need their sympathy. Their sympathy reminds him of his failed relationship, a relationship which was broken from the beginning. A relationship which he thought was what Derek needed, a relationship that instead of bringing them close drifted them more apart. A relationship which was never meant to happen but Stiles was so stupidly in love that he thought if only Derek and he tried they could make it. But it seems that it only broke Stiles everyday inch by inch until he thought killing himself to escape the pain.

Shame washes over Stiles, his bottom lips wobble as he looks down at his clasp hands on his palm, afraid to meet Scott's eyes. "I...I..." The backs of his eyes stings making his vision glazed. He clench his eyes close and shakes his head. 

How could be so selfish. He didn't even think about his dad. The man who lives for him. How must he have felt seeing his son dying in the tub full of water. God. How could he be so stupid. How could he do that to his dad. It must his crushed his dad to see him like that. He can only imagine how he looked in the tub. He is the Sherriff and his son has attempted suicide because he couldn't handle a broken relationship, couldn't handle sharing his his boyfriend with someone in need. Fuck.

"You don't have to explain anything." The bed dips as Scott scoots closes and grasps Stiles wrist. "There are other things that we need to talk about right now. More important things." Scott sighs, his thumb circles the inner wrist soothingly almost pulling out tension of Stiles' body. "But before that we need to call your dad and tell him you're awake."

"Yeah, we could do that first." Stiles huffs running his fingers through his hair. I looks around and realizes he is not at his but at Scott. 

Wait! What?

As far as Stiles remembers he should be in hospital or at home. How could he be at Scott's and how did his dad allowed it. Has his dad finally realized how pathetic and selfish of a son he is and doesn't want him back? Like he was abandoning his dad same way his dad has abandoned him? His heart rate accelerated. 

"Scott, why am I here? I mean dude I don't mind being here. At your place, its cool but why am I not in mine. I mean I'm supposed to be at mine right. Right, dude." Stiles knows he is rambling but he can't help himself, he is panicking or on the verge of having panic attack. His dad can't abandon him. No he can't. Although he knows his dad should after all the trouble he has caused him he damn should. But Stiles isn't ready for this. He needs his dad the most right now.

Stiles is vaguely aware that he is clenching his fist so hard that a sharp sting shoots up in his hands. He jerks looking down at his fist and flexes his palm. What he sees, punches the air out of his lungs. "Stiles relax. Can you hear me? Concentrate on my voice. Look at me buddy." He ignores Scott's concerned voice and gapes as his hand. This isn't possible. This can't be happening. His life can't get this worse.

He feels Scott clasps his shoulder shaking him mildly. His wide panicky eyes snaps up to his friend. "No. No. Scott." He looks down at his hand again. He can't really believe this. Who did this to him? Who took away his choice? "Who, who...H-how" He mumbles incoherently, his whole body is shaking. He feels something buzzing at the back of his mind as if something wants to burst out to surface. "What's? What's happening? M...make it s..stop Scott."

**Author's Note:**

> Don't hesitate to review, share your opinions and leave comment...
> 
> I love to interact with my readers.
> 
> Thanks a lot for reading my work.
> 
> TC.


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